/ Life

Cross roads and watch all sides.

Life would actually be nice if things worked the way people assumed. Say, you pop a pill and your depression is gone, like your cold/fever. Or, you are going through a burnout and taking a few days/weeks off gets you back on, like magic.

What people seem to fail is understanding what lies unseen and hence taken for granted. The importance of a support system and things in place is almost always understated. While funny enough, they should be the other way around.

The implicitness of support systems be it family, friends, or so is unfortunate. Not unfortunate in any other way, but the way in which people think everyone has the luxury. Lincoln once quoted the New Testament lines - "what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again".

Are we seeing from the other side after all? Assuming everyone we meet has the same financial, emotional, and societal backups? The backups we so often fail to understand are not ours by our own merit. The backups that exist only because our environment was gracious enough?

I am certain that I'm not an expert in human psychology or such, but there are a few things I know first hand. Dealing with a depressed lifestyle for about 6 years now with no light in sight tells me how someone else has felt.

The end of 2010 taught failure on the academic/professional front; my first taste of reality. A couple of runs around the sun taught on the personal end and couples don't always remain so. There's also more to life than staying with failure, I guess.

And, while it might be outlandish to claim so, I've felt see-saws of smaller successes add more pain. At least so it has been for someone like me/us. And that is where I tend to not understand people I encounter; a small success isn't a reason to forget the pain, they ask.

I'm lost for an answer and let me be honest in accepting my failure to have an answer. From my shoes, let me say this - no, the success is at face value what it is, but does not erase the pain. I also do not have the emotional support that many of my questioners have.

An interesting coincidence is that these are the ones who call missing a meal a major life failure. Cannot disagree with that though; they're built on opulence at some level. Or, are impervious to the fact their environments have had their back.

This should be funny coming from someone like me but I have been in similar shoes until 2002. 2002/3 is when I started to eat from my parents' savings and heard my mom say, "we can skip a meal, for the kid". Hit hard, and hits me every day.

I've survived days with a couple of teas, loaned biscuits (bless the gracious bhai and his shop) but I lived with grit. Grit, that came out of my mother's saying what she said. But, I've failed her again, now, where I stand.

Something that I don't understand is filial piety or the lack thereof in environments I deal with. The extreme self-centred dealing with life I guess helps the people I meet, deal with life easier. I'm not capable of it, even after a million births, as a hyperbole.

But, would that help someone dealing with pain and failure, to do things that please only them? To get away from the pain and do what will help them irrespective of people associated with them? I can't hedge on unknowns after all, and that's yet another that keeps me away.

In short, I am, as I run towards the end of the tunnel, running out of both breath and options. But, I have a few things to say to humans around me as I hold on to myself while I push forward nonetheless.

A wee bit empathy towards anything, restraint before any comment would go a long way, doesn't it? I've had people who've stepped beyond borders flimsy/otherwise, with questions. People who have poked their nose into my marriage or the lack thereof, without any sense of the issue.

When I fail to understand why a tiruman'd make me the black plague infested human to Iyengar women, they asked me why. When I couldn't figure why I can't say, "has to suffer", while I battled demons and couldn't hold a relationship.

All these, I've faced with a smile, but my masks fade too, much like many of my fellow humans, who run out of paints that cover. And here I am, asking you for what you have done, wanting to know how do we deal with things.

I've tried talking to shrinks, avoided pills for a reason, and had one avenue that has always helped me get back. But, it is in a sense outlawed, as I learned over the ages. I discussed philosophy (Vedanta in particular) as a way to get my mind open up to other things.

Uncles have warned how it is yet another black plague if I wish to be in the "market", and yes, they are right for once. Now, I choose to pet cats and dogs on the road when I meet them, talk to younger ones warning of mistakes I committed.

My only two avenues these days, that I ponder about; how long would they last if at all. I cannot for my life take care of a pet, given how pathetic I am taking care of myself. The other, I guess I'm my own nemesis.

Life, I trust always, gives you adversity for one reason; strengthen up your defences. But, I've become a weakling, with the mental faculties, over the last 5 years of pain.

I should find alternatives and so I ask you again - How have you dealt with pain? Pains that you have completely overcome, ways that haven't changed you antithetical. I'll wait, for I have years to go before I sleep.